i think my tv is drunk
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
