Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize