So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
