Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
