I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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