so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
