is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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