worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
