i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
