HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize