Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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