I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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