I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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