I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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