dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish you could order shots online.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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