If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
