Ketchup is God's man juice
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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