i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
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