I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
