I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
