Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize