Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
