I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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