I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
