he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
