My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize