You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
