i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
