matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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