for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
