I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
