If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
