Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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