I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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