my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
