Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
How naked do you want me to be?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
