hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
whose parrot is this?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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