Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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