I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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