my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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