A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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