How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
