After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
a search helicopter?!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Text me some of your sweat
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
