Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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