I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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