What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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