Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
