Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
