please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
