Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
