I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
