if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
