He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize