I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
