When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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