Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
