Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
