So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
