woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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