god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
When did angry sex become our thing?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
