i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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