turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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