david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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