Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
